Psychosis

Psychosis is kind of a scary word.  Ok well its super scary.

When I used to teach medical terminology at the Massage Therapy school in town.  We would break scary words down...so here goes... Psych--meaning mind.  Osis--meaning abnormal state of.  So Psychosis simply means abnormal state of mind.  PHEW! 

SO the fact that I have diagnosed myself (thank you Web MD) with psychosis is ok.  I am in an abnormal state of mind.  Its much happier sounding to think you are just in an abnormal state of mind instead of suffering from psychosis. 

Here is the real deal.  No I am not mocking anyone.  I am just struggling.  This is hard.  Harder than I thought it would be.  I let the joy of adopting a daughter, completing my family, creep into my soul on occasion.  As soon as I start to feel it swell, as soon as my heart feels it...I FREAK OUT!!  I stop, call it a protection mechanism, call it self preservation, call it what you will...but it is what it is.  When you think of and pray for an adoption you imagine the end result, not the process.  I am trapped in the reality of the process and longing for the end result. 

I am feeling isolated...Really?! I am adding to my family and I am feeling isolated and alone.  Its true.  Not pretty but the reality of this.  I feel like no one gets it and yet I know everyone gets it on some level.  I just also understand that not everybody walks in my shoes everyday.  So it is what it is. 

If there was a recipe for a smooth adoption it would be posted on the Internet by now, there likely would be a you tube video.  But this isn't like roasting the perfect chicken here.  This is people, emotions, reality.  Its hard, gritty, awkward, and uncomfortable. 

Stuck in the process.

Can not wait to tell you what the end process feels like.

Then I will need to rename my blog!  Ideas anyone??