Choices

Choices....

Everyday we make choices...pants or a skirt, this route or that, coffee or tea....if only all choices were that simple.  That is just not the case often times choices are painful, create stress, change.  Sometimes its a matter of choosing what you have always asked for when its finally offered up to you.  Oh the proverbial fork in the road.  You asked to be on the journey, you maybe even asked for a specific result.  But when faced with the reality of it, what you asked for scares you.  You begin to doubt yourself, can I?  Am I capable of this?  Should I take the road to what I want or should I just take the easier route.  And then He shows up and asks you to TRUST to not put Him in a box.  He reminds you that He is bigger than any of your fears, any of your doubts and He knows exactly how its all going to work out.  He has your back.  And when He is for us, well who can be against us? 

Some choices in retrospect you look back on and you smile knowing it was the right one.  Tom would be one of those choices I can definitley look back with confidence knowing that choice was the right one for me.  I was recently talking to an old friend and she reminded me of her doubts of Tom and I.  She was suprised and relieved to know that he was the type of man that he is.  She apologized for the unfavorable vote she gave our relationship nearly 16 years ago and blessed me with knowing that she was very happy to be wrong.  On November 28th we will have been married for 13 years, together almost 16.  I cant imagine this journey without him.  I am so proud that he is my husband, partner, and greatest supporter. 
My husband, like I have told many of you, is not necessarily as open as I am.  He actually HATES facebook and doesnt like it when I get personal on there.  He thinks its weird that I blog...but he respects and understands why I do.  He knows its important to me.  My choice to share with my little corner of the world what is happening in my life is a big deal to me.  To be surrounded in prayer is something I feel the need to ask for and no matter the outcome albeit good or bad, I often just need people to know whats going on. 

Back to choices...Remember the day that you and your spouse chose to spend the rest of your lives together. Your giddy almost over the possibilities of what your family is going to look like.  You dream of where you might live, where you will vacation, holidays, and of course children.  How many, what you'll name them and where they will go to college?  Ok maybe not the college part but being SIOUX fans, we did :)  Tom and I discussed that we would have 3 children, primarily boys (carry on the Alderson name) then we would maybe someday adopt or maybe do foster care.  We both just adore children.  Tom is often called the baby whisperer as all babies love him and I am kind of known to have a few extra kids with me no matter where I go.   Even before we had kids of our own, I would ask people if I could babysit their kids!   

Something happened to us the moment we became a parents.  It was almost cellular.  There was a shift in our hearts and our souls that was unrecognizable, unlike anything we had ever experienced before.   Our love for children was magnified by 1000 and we knew we were doing what God had intended us to do.

The day we had Tommy was life altering, he taught us unconditional love.  To love someone so much that you would literally be willing to lay your life down for them, from the moment you lay your eyes on them.  That was a powerful emotion!  An earth shattering life changing experience. He taught us so much, namely to be a family.  We learned that the word sacrifice was interchangeable with Mother/Father.

After Tommy was born we reprioritized moved back to ND from Colorado, so we could be closer to family.  Tom was headed back to college so that we could provide a stable future for our beautiful son.  We would wait to add any more additions so that we would be able to accomplish our goals.  Then tragedy struck and my brother passed away.  We suddenly had this urgency to live life to the fullest and to value every moment given.  We decided to trust God to work out all the details.  He brought us Caleb within less than a year of my brothers death. 

Caleb was angelic as a baby.  My round faced cherub was a joyous addition to our family.  Adventuress, into everything, 100% BOY!!  A pure delight.  God did work out all the details and Caleb went to daycare very little.  Tom and I worked out a tag team type schedule.  Tommy was an amazing big brother.  Caleb taught us to trust and what blind faith looks like in the day to day things of life. 

Then came Luke.  I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Luke.  Caleb was only 11 months old and sitting in a highchair eating cheerios.  Tommy cheered.  I cried.  I wasnt ready. I wanted more children. JUST NOT SO SOON!  But we were reminded about trust and blind faith.  Luke taught us that sometimes the best things come when you least expect it.  He also taught us that we are not in control, and he tries to reign in a little control of his own every chance he gets.  haha!

My pregnancy with Luke was so difficult, I went into labor early with him. I was on bed rest, had my gall bladder removed during the pregnancy.  I was miserable.  I knew that I would never physically have another baby. Luke and Caleb were only 20 months apart.  Three boys was all I ever believed I wanted.  I knew boys, I knew how to do that.  We made a decision to end our ability to produce more children shortly after Luke was born.  It was the right choice.  In our minds we would maybe some day adopt a child, probably from a foriegn country.  Tom has two cousins that came from Korea.  They are his FAMILY in every sense of the word.  Adoption felt like a natural way to grow our family, if we ever felt the need to.

When Luke was about 2 I started to have a stirring in my heart to adopt a daughter.  The idea of never having one was sad to me.  I have such a GREAT relationship with my parents and I wanted to have that with a daughter as well.  Dont get me wrong I absolutely love being a mom to 3 boys, its amazing!  They take care of me, and I like being the Queen Bee :)!!  But there is something about little girls that is just so wonderful.  The idea of watching Tom walk her down the aisle.  The new dynamic of our family.  Our boys being protective of a little sister.  Its all appealing to me. But more importantly that stirring that we felt was undeniable.

Then Tom was laid off when the market took a crash.  Although he never missed a beat and was employeed full time shortly thereafter, two months was a hit on us and it took sometime to dig out.  When Luke was 4 and a half we started talking about foster/adopting.  We have a very dear neighbor who works for the state of MN and reminded us that if we chose to foster we would be getting involved in a system that has a different end goal then us.  The purpose of foster care is to get the children back with their biological parents in hopefully a happy healthier enviornment.  Not to have the foster parents adopt them although that can happen.

SO we CHOSE to be satisfied.  We have 3 beautiful healthy boys. We are blessed!  This is what our family is suppose to look like.  Honestly, it hurt a little.  But we tried, it just seemed that this was not the choice for us.

We closed the chapter on the idea of growing our family beyond a family of 5 a few months ago. 

Then, well then God showed us no box can contain Him.  That His timing is perfect.

In early October I received notice that a young woman was having a little girl and was choosing not to parent.  That she had been told about our family from a mutual friend.  I was asked to meet her.

I came home from a work event and sat down with Tom in the kitchen.  I started the conversation with...'want to hear some life changing information?'  I proceeded to tell him the few details I knew.  He proceeded to tell me NOTHING.  Thats right NOTHING!  AHHHHHH!  I knew I didnt marry a talker but I was literally needing to verbally explode and my very calm and rational husband, asked me to be quiet.  He asked me to pray.  That night neither of us slept.  We had so much to say. But remained silent. I went through a plethera of emotions.  It was everything from there is no way we can do this, to we have to do this.  The next day, the rollercoaster continued.  It ended with the realization that I should meet her.  So I did.

We met and spoke briefly.  It was easy.  Our views on adoption similar.  We both wanted a closed adoption.  That was a big sigh of relief for me.  It was easy, too easy.  The baby girl is due on November 28th, our wedding anniversary.  The legal, financial, medical details all fell into place swiftly.  Many details are still in process. But things are moving along with few bumps in the road.  We have the support and approval of our families.  All the "signs" and prayers point to this being the right choice. The right choice for this young couple.  The right choice for my family.  The right choice for this baby girl.  Choices.

Life is hectic 3 school age boys with a  wide range of activities.  A new business with 14 staff members.  A full time (plus some hours) career.  Now an adoption.  Preparing for a new baby.  Can we handle this?  Will we go insane just trying to keep up?  Our priority is these children, but even that requires some balance because you must work to care for them.  To say I am fearless would be a lie.  I am human and although I like to think I have it all under control I know that is far from the truth.  We are not perfect, we struggle.  But to not take the opportunity to have a prayer answered seems ridiculous to me.  To walk away from a blessing, not on my radar.  People say to us when we tell them.  'Oh, you are such good people for taking on this baby'  We are not that great of people.  We are just people who want a sense of completion when it comes to our family.  To follow what we believe God has intended in our lives all along. Someday I will blog about how at every turn there is confirmation that this is what is meant to be. There are a dozen or so blog posts in my head for this.  Take these topics for example:  If she is born on her due date, the day she will officially become ours would have been my brothers 32nd birthday.  We found a social worker, lawyer and finalized the details to make the adoption work over a 2 hour period.  We instantly agreed upon her name.  2 years ago I bought 6 stockings for Christmas time just in case.  We found a birth mother whose idea for adoption match up perfectly with what we are looking for.  And so many more stories that I could spend hours telling you about. 

Now for the scariest part of it all.  She could change her mind.  This dream could crash around us in an instant.  Which is why my husband would prefer that I just zip it until she is here and home with us.  But I cant zip it.  I am scared.  I am scared of the heartbreak potential for all parties involved.   My heart longs for my daughter and to have her in my arms.  To show her love and a sense of family.  To tell her how she grew in our hearts from the day we decided to become a family over 13 years ago.  To look into her eyes and let her know that she is right where she belongs.  To tell her that her big brothers have been asking for her since Luke was old enough to say baby sister.  That this was no fluke, no coincidence, but God's undeniable plan for our family.  So I need to tell you, so you can pray with me, if you will....  That it all goes smoothly.  That this baby is healthy.  That the birth parents will have support, love and confidence in knowing that they made one of the most difficult and brave choices that any young person should have to make. 

Its November 1st and it marks a countdown to a lot of change for us.  We are frightened and hopeful.  Cautiously optomistic.  Prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

So for now, we choose faith.  We choose trust.  We choose love.

**It would not let me spell check and its too late at night for me to use my brain so I ask for some grace when it comes to spelling, punctuation and grammar--Thank you in advance :)**