Anniversaries

**************WARNING*************

Today is not about Raising Good Husbands.  Today I am using my blog as a way to vent.  To explain the break in my heart that will likely never heal.  Today is about Pain.

This one may be rough.

So tomorrow is the 8th Anniversary of the death of my brother.  REALLY?!  "Anniversary" When I think of "Anniversary" I think of happy celebratory things...This is a date I do not want to CELEBRATE!  Save your cakes, your cards, and your well wishes.  This is NOT something I want to remember.  Plus when you use the word Anniversary it somewhat requires a phone call to those celebrating with you.  Its not that I want to call my parents and say "remember when?"  But if I don't call them....well I don't want them to believe I forgot either....believe me I will NEVER EVER EVER forget. 

So we have become accustomed to a short call just to say "I love you" and that's it.  

We don't say anything else. 

Its a call I have made 8 times.  

Tom has apologized 8 times to me for my loss and not knowing what to do. 

8 times I have told him..."Its not your fault its just hard."

Who knew this would be my life?  I should be celebrating my brothers marriage.  I should be looking forward to our next family get together.  Maybe excited to hear about my new nephew or niece.  NOT 8 times of this. 

When I let myself go there, which is hard not to do when this date comes close. I cant help but remember.  I think its ok to remember the pain, the hard stuff.  But it SUCKS!  So its not a fun place to be.  But its all I have when it comes to this date.

I recently watched a movie called the Rabbit Hole.  Nicole Kidman is in it, she was nominated for an oscar.  But it was lower budget and didn't make a real big impression at the box office.  Anyways.  Its about grief.  Nicole Kidman plays a woman whose 5 yr old son dies.  His dog whom he loves runs out into the street.  He runs out after it.  When the car swerves to miss the dog it hits the boy and he dies.  Her mother in the movie also lost a son when he was in his 20s to drug addiction.  There is a scene in the movie where the two mothers are cleaning up the 5 yr olds stuff and placing it all in a corner in the basement.  As they look at the small pile of stuff that represents his 5 yrs of life, Nicole's character says to her mother, "Does it ever go away" (meaning the grief).  Her mother says "No."  Then goes on to explain...I will paraphrase....at first its big, then it changes as time goes on, but its always there, always.  But if it was not there you would have nothing so you learn to respect and cherish it, because its all you have left.  Without it you would have nothing to tie you to the person. 

What happened to my family turned our world upside down.  And not for the better.  It changed my family dynamic, took away my best friend, and altered what I expected for my future.  Plus it just plain SUCKS!! 

Yes I have memories good, funny, loving, but just memories.  The tangible thing I have is grief.  If that sounds sadistic its not meant to.  Its just what I have left.  And in someways I am grateful for it.  

I miss him terribly.  Who he was and what could've been.  What could've been is harder to handle now than I ever thought it would be.  That's new to me and very raw.  Very raw.  I have a huge lump in my throat and breathing thru my nose just to type these words.  He was a pain in my butt, he made me crazy, but he was my only sibling.  He was it.  Now, now there is just me.  I would take him back in a second.  Take just one minute to squeeze him, tell him that I love him.  Just one moment.  Every single one of my good memories as a child involves him.  Now he's gone just a memory.  And even though it was 8 years ago, the pain is ever evolving.  Sometimes when I spend time with my husbands side of the family its hard.  I think it will never be like this on my side.  Not there fault, just hard. 

Oh don't get me wrong.  I celebrate his life.  I celebrate how intelligent, loyal, funny, fun loving, and driven he was.  I celebrate who he was and who he could've been.  He had a big personality but only let certain people see it.  He had a close network of people.  Sometimes at his grave site there will be a shirt, baseball, or other memorabilia there from those who you know really knew him and loved him.  He made an impression on those who loved him and he will not be forgotten. 

23 years on earth just isn't enough time.  Simply NOT enough. 

Yes I am blessed to have had him for that long.  There are plenty of people who have lost someone they loved in a shorter period of time.  If I was in a better place right now, I would remind you to hug those you have now, mend fences to fix broken relationships, you never know what tomorrow holds.  

But today I am just sad. 

My Dad is better than your Dad!

As harsh as the title of this blog sounds its not meant to be...you know when you were little and you used to tell everyone how much stronger, smarter, and overall cooler your Dad was than anyone else's Dad.  Well this word war was playing through my head as I was thinking of all the awesome things I wanted to tell you about my Dad.  Yes I am a Daddy's girl, always have been, and after 33 years of being one I really do not foresee this changing much.  My Dad really is the BEST!  I know lots of girls who think the same thing about their Dad's but really mine is the coolest, at least from my perspective he is :) 

He is STRONG 



He enforces the law for a  living...now you know that's cool!



When he retired from 20+ years of service in the military he grew a handle bar mustache...it was only temporary. :) The following is not a pic of my Dad just an example of a handle bar mustache :)



hehe!  Thank goodness it was only temporary!!

ON a more serious note...my Dad is one of my Hero's.  He is the true definition of having a servant heart.  He served his country, he now serves his community, and he has never stopped serving his family and those he holds dear to his heart.

My dad taught me to love sports, mainly baseball...my first job ever was keeping score for softball at age 13 --$10 per game.  LOVED that job!

He bought me my first car a blue Ford Fairmont...smurf blue :)  Like this one only two tone blue...dont be haters :)



He taught me to drive a stick shift. Something only the coolest girls can do.

He demands my best and has my utmost respect.

He has demonstrated every day of my life what a GOOD HUSBAND looks like, acts likes, and loves like.  Which helped me to find my GOOD HUSBAND and another amazing Dad!!  Thanks Dad.

He loves me no matter what...I am not perfect and screw up a lot.  He loves me anyway.  I remember on my wedding day, I was only 21 years old, I was getting ready to walk down the aisle and he stopped and looked at me and said "I don't care how many people are in that room or how much money we have spent, if you do not want to do this, we can turn around right now"  I of course had no such thought in my mind. But it was his way of letting me know that he would love me and support me no matter what.  It meant the world to me.

Today, he is one of the COOLEST Grandpas  ever.  Watching him throw the ball around the yard with the boys and just plain staying active with them, is simply AMAZING!!  He also tries to really know them.  When he talks to them you can tell he really wants to know whats on their minds and in their hearts.  He genuinely misses them when he doesn't see them and I have been told at one time or another by all 3 of my boys that their favorite place in the world is Grandpa's house.  How cool is that??  He has even taken an interest in hockey.  All for the sake of his grandkids. 

More than any lesson my Dad has ever taught me, he has demonstrated the importance of family.  A lesson that I only hope I can demonstrate to my boys. 

Thank you Dad for all you do, have done, and have yet to do!  I love you Daddy!  You Rock!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

I heart being an AUNT! :)

I am very blessed to be an Aunt.  I love love love my nieces and nephew.  I wish my niece and nephew who lived in Chicago were here so I could spend more time loving them up and getting to know them.  Hopefully that will be in the future, the near future, I can only pray :)  Mya is a true beauty and the ultimate in girly girls.  She is a talented musician and could hum you a tune and braid your hair at the same time.  I adore her and wish I got to see her more often!  Noah, my only nephew, and is so super cool and so SMART!  I love watching his adorable face when he hangs out with his crazy boy cousins.  I think its quite the transition from hanging with his sister to being with my brood.  He and Caleb are best buddies and very close in age.  Ok Keen, if your reading this...please move here.  I need to see my nieces and nephews more often :)  They are being world travelers right now in China visiting their Dad's side of the family!  So I couldn't ask my sis in law for permission to put their picture on here.  So that will have to come another time. 

Being a mom to three boys, can sometimes be sad from the female perspective.  They think their Dad is the best thing since sliced bread, honestly so do I, so how do I blame them.  Its hard when I tell them a sports fact or statistic and they quickly go verify the information with Dad.  Although I can get them to cook with me, I often force them to clean with me, I cannot get them to shop with me without bribery.  Watching chic flicks well...not so much.  I also do not foresee Mother ~ Son days at the spa.  My boys are 100% boy.  And I love them for that.  So God gave me nieces!


This is Kate (L) and Morgan (R) My two little niec-ies as I call them.  They live very close to us and I am so grateful for that.  First of all let me say that my boys ADORE them and their Uncle thinks they hung the moon.  We LOVE having them over to play  hang out (sorry Morgan-hehe), go to movies, or most recently a road trip to the zoo.  When they come over they interact with the boys and have lots of fun.  But they also hang out with me.  That's right ME!  They love to cook with me, watch a show with me, talk and visit, they are like my little assistants, I love hearing what makes their minds tick and what their heart desires.  I love it and I think they do too!  When a question is asked or a statement is made they look to me to figure out the truth, not to their joke-ster of an Uncle.  I absolutely LOVE this!  When I need girl time I will call up these two little sweet peas to come over and hang out with Auntie Rach!  I do some pretty amateur hair dos on Morgan and she thinks they are pretty cool.  I share my clear but shimmery lip gloss, a quick shot of hairspray, and a sneaky spray of perfume.  They love this!  I love watching their faces when I remind them how beautiful they are. 

Let me tell you a bit about them...

Morgan is a bit of a tomboy but such a mama bird.  She is the best helper, give that girl a task and she will handle it with flying colors and anxiously anticipate the next task.  She is your typical tweener, loves her cell phone and texting, in fact my favorite text to get from her is "what r u doing?"  This means she's really bored if she has time to text me this!  She plays basketball, softball, and soccer.  She is emotional, compassionate, and loving.  She has a hilarious laugh and crystal blue eyes that just melt your heart.  She wants to be a teacher just like her mom.  She will be a great one!  She and Tommy are BEST friends.  They have a very amazing relationship...one you just have to witness!  I love how they interact...true friends!  And oh how I love to embarrass them with my loud singing and dancing especially when we are in public or driving down the street.  I enjoy watching them sink further and further into their seats and in pure preteen embarrassment HAHA!!

Then there is Kate.  She is just hilarious!  Her curls are ridiculously awesome!  The best way to describe her is tell you a little story about Ms Kate.  Recently when she was over she exclaimed she was hungry and that we should invent a sandwich.  We proceeded to decide that ham, cheese, mayo, lettuce and for a secret ingredient...Doritos!  We would call it the Kate/Rachel Sandwich!  YUMMY!!  I presented it to her and she then wrinkled up her cute little nose and explained that it must be cut diagonally and then she said that no "brown edges" aka crusts could be on there.  LOL!!  After we finished our sandwiches she told me should would like another one please.  She then mentioned that she would wait out on the deck for me to bring it to her.  LOVE HER!  So full of personality and a girl who knows what she wants and how she wants it.  That's my niec-ie! 

I thank God everyday for nieces and nephew.  Looking forward to a fun Family Reunion and time to hang out with the crew!

Rachel's Random thoughts

When I can't sleep I will blog, one of the bonuses of being a blogger I guess...a remedy for insomnia!

This week is the first FULL week of summer and I can honestly say we are off to a racing start....hmmm  racing this calls for my first .......Random thought!

Did you know this year I picked the winner of the Kentucky Derby!?!  That's right I did it!  I had a very specific strategy.  My husband and I do not typically watch horse racing of any kind but this year we were around and it was on the tube and we got sucked into the whole scene.  I told him I was going to pick the winner.  Tom laughed at me, gave me his typical..."yeah right" expression when I come up with CRAZY ideas.  And so I watched and put my plan to work...right before the race I declared that Animal Kingdom would be the winner.  Tom shook his head in disbelief.  Then the race began, Animal Kingdom well lets just say he didn't look promising.  So I looked away, I was reading the paper or checking facebook...ok probably checking facebook...haha!  When I looked back my horse was winning and then HE WON!!!  You would've thought I won the lottery the way I was running around the room and celebrating!!  When we all calmed down and was calculating how much mula I would've won, had I bet.  Remember in order to win the lottery you must buy a ticket...I digress...anywho...Tom asked me what my strategy was.  I hesitated in sharing my secret, but ultimately decided to share my VERY scientific strategy.  I watched at the beginning of the race when they introduced all the jockeys and picked the jockey who....wait for it...here it comes...looked the most ARROGANT.  Yep that's it.  WELL IT WORKED DIDN'T IT?? 

Thanks Animal Kingdom...you and your arrogant looking jockey pretty much rocked it!

Back to the summer!

Although I would love to tell you that our summer is spent soaking up the sun by the pool, barbecuing with friends, and playing rounds upon rounds of golf....that is just not the reality of our lives.
Like I said we are off to a racing start this summer...This week alone we had VBS, golf lessons, and baseball for all 3 kids.  Caleb began a month long hockey camp and Tommy began his 10,000 puck challenge (100 pucks shot per day for the 100 days of summer).  STILL to come this summer is a hockey camp for Tommy, swim lessons for Caleb and Luke, and a trip to Kentucky for my Grandma's Birthday!   On top of all of this I have been trying to put hours in managing my business however I can do that from wherever I am, its just better if I am there.  The kids have been such troopers and my car is handling the extra luggage and extra miles pretty well.  My checkbook is in ALOT of pain from the high gas prices though...ouchy!

Speaking of luggage...we will be packing ours tomorrow to head to the Ellis Family Reunion in Park Rapids MN.  WE are looking forward to spending lots of time with family that we haven't seen in a long time.  I hope to read a good book and catch up on lots of paper work...speaking of reading!! 

Book you must read this summer....Two Kisses for Maddy...Its a great read, my friend Sara recommended it to me and borrowed it to me.  It was a great, quick, sad read.  Just be prepared he curses kind of a lot.  But its worth it.  Check it out. 


He's from MN and a blogger.  I loved it!

You know what else I love...JENNIFER LOPEZ!



I know I know RANDOM!! I cannot believe I am admitting this.  Her singing, well I wont comment but her personality and most of her movies I really enjoy!  But I do love her, she seems so genuine and she isn't perfect.  She's a mom.  She is WAY better than Paula Abdul on American Idol.  I just think she is super cool...ok now I sound like a silly teenager...don't judge me people! HAHA!!

Speaking of American Idol....I watched this season cause the kids really got into it but if you are looking for a good cry just listen to that Lauren Alaina new release "Like my Mother does"  wow be prepared for the waterworks especially if you are a mom.  It gets me every time and is my most recent purchase on Itunes.  WOW...cant believe I admitted that either...oh well...judge me if you must!  HAHA!!!

Back to my kids and things I love....I LOVE cooking with my kids...tonight we made a delicious meal...here is a recipe you must try so YUMMY and EASY!

Boil Spaghetti noodles til they are aldente
Chop Bacon into bite size pieces and cook in a pan, then drain the fat
add one can mushrooms drained
one can black olives drained
one diced tomato
and one box of swansons chicken broth
then add the noodles.
Bring to a boil and simmer for around 10 mins
**it takes like 15 mins after the noodles are cooked to make this**

While you  are making this have your kids find all the left over hamburger and hot dog buns in the cupboard that you need to get rid of and place them on a cookie sheet.  Have them split them and place them on the sheet, they can then butter them and sprinkle with garlic salt and then sprinkle with mozzarella cheese.  Bake in the oven til cheese is melted. 

ENJOY!!

Ok enough Randomness!  Have a GREAT weekend everyone! :)